you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
