My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
