why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
