I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
