Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
