1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bring money and cleavage
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
