So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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