I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
