Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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