This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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