I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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