i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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