Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
