Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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