the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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