how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
