i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
