i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
