Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
