someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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