hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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