I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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