youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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