I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
