bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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