and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
