i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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