matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
