I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Drake has all the answers
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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