fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
