I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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