FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
