when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
