he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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