This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
