I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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