I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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