I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
