1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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