I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
