Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
