She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
