they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
