I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
