Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
