I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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