Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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