mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
