Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
