My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
