i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
