I'm really into asian looking animals
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
