i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
