I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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