i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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