just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
