We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
