If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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